Oh hello blog, I guess you do exist after all. I suppose I should be using you instead of Twitter or Facebook to display my dismay and stress. Or something like that.
I guess I turned 21 last week. It hasn't even soaked in that my birthday occurred. Last week at this time I was giggling over texts from that guy I adore after a bro night with my guys friends. Now I'm mulling over (literal) stacks of papers, deciding whether certain sentences need a streak of bright colour so I'll remember to look back at it at a later time. My birthday was that quiet. Heck, it was even the first birthday I've ever had that I haven't cried. There was a few points during that day that I wanted to sob, but I pulled up my fancy big girl panties (because cotton is a betch) and pulled through. Let's just say some girls suck big time.
Anyway, I begin my research project Monday by learning how to culture mast cells. By skimming (and I mean skimming) through the paper on the top of my "read these for your lab" stack, sounds like it's not easy. Mast cells, due to their location and (lack of) availability in a host, are a BITCH to culture. And if this manuscript isn't lying, it's an 8 week culture. 8. WEEKS. I really hope that isn't true. Maybe this is a really old manuscript because I am an impatient person by nature (we've gone over this, blog).
Oh yeah, got that research position. Oops.
What else...
Part of me has grown up. I buy silky pyjamas (which is apparently a really adult move, thank you Mother). I dress more age-appropriate (or rather, more lab and professional setting appropriate). I like adult things.
So I guess it's adult for me to want to (yet again) cut toxic friendships out of my life. I'm sick of second chances that blow up in my face. I hate trying to always give emotionally and not get one single thing in return. Is that too much for me to do? Am I going to run myself down emotionally this school year instead of physically and mentally?
I guess I'm weird. Not a bad thing to be, though.
September 9, 2012
April 16, 2012
impatient me.
8 days until he gets here.
4 finals yet to be written.
2 days until my first final.
Be still, oh heart.
4 finals yet to be written.
2 days until my first final.
Be still, oh heart.
March 31, 2012
Tired and Lovesick
I know I told that guy of mine I was going to bed after I hung up the phone, but I feel as though I need to post this somewhere. Perhaps I'll put it on Facebook later, but eh...
Anyway I just realized what weekend this was. Kay, flashback to a year ago. Here's this girl. Broken, sad, mad, self destructive (to a point, but still), and not being the young woman she really was. I don't remember, but I'm pretty sure I was borderline hating life at this point, so it was pretty bad.
Inform her that a childhood science role model is doing a lecture at her college.
Things freakin' change.
I invited everyone in my science courses (which was pretty much the same 15 people). I mean, who doesn't want to see the coolest Canadian science reporter (WHO, MAY I ADD, PAYS VIOLIN!) speak about something cool like prions? I don't think I slept the night before the lecture.
It was weird. I didn't expect to get asked when we were going to meet up, whether we were going to dress up, ect ect. I suppose we were really close friends at this point, but it was -who- asked that shocked me even more.
I had been, for the past month and a half, loathing the male population. Okay, not loathing, but wishing they would remember I didn't really want anything to do with them (regardless of how my actions may have said). So when I started getting odd butterflies in my stomach, I knew -something- was wrong (or rather, right?).
Lecture was AMAZING. I could make a whole post on how eye opening and helpful it had been, but that may be for another day, my (lack of) readers. The after snack Q & A, however, was when it all started rolling.
We were bickering about something science again. You know those cartoon characters that always argue but end up liking each other? That's how everyone explained it. For once I was wearing heels, and I was tall enough to be at a more... arguable level. I must of have made some silly face, because he laughed and mumbled something about arguing a lot and how that leads to people dating.
Alright....
It was a weird night. The engineers were setting up their April Fool's prank, the wind ensemble was practicing, and this meant my science friends and my music friends were going to mix. We all wanted to see the prank take place.
We pulled away from everyone and just chatted about how we should keep in touch after moving on to our respective universities and how exciting everything would be. He kept pushing his university on me, and I couldn't help but wonder why. I thought he had seen me as some goofy girl who had big dreams but wasn't on her way to reaching them. I really thought he hated me. He had been so crude with me for weeks until... -that- happened, and he had begun progressively become a sweeter guy.
(Back up further to first year chemistry lab:
Me: What, you wanna come at me bro with your tallness and gingerness?
Him: Do you EVER shut up?!
Me: ... -still has a crush on him-
Forward to second year.)
We finally get to everyone. The engineer students are hoisting a piano with balloons attached to it into the air. My friends from music and science are mingling. My ex is glaring me down as I walk into the bar with this other guy. The same is being done by the guy who had been constantly creepily hitting on me. Girl type friends are giving me strange wondering looks. Gay friend is ecstatic and I don't know why.
Instant panic mixed with endorphins. Why does it feel so normal and comfortable standing beside him? I mean, we stood and sat beside each other in class and it never felt this good. Why did I feel like myself again?
I panicked and, perhaps for the second time that year, ditched him. I saw a friend I had been super close to, gave her a tackle hug, and laughed my face off. My best friends thought I was nuts. My "Bobsy" twin was cackling; she and my best friends were the only people who saw me like that: truly happy.
Him: Is she -always like this? This happy?
Bobsy twin: Well, yes. Only around us though.
He walked me out to my vehicle. And I didn't get his number.
And I beamed the whole night because I was truly happy, and my ex looked like he wanted to choke me. I'm sorry, bro.
Gay friend decided he wanted to do my tarot reading. Turns out something good was going to happen the next night. I shrugged it off.
Cue April 1st.
Music concert. I told this certain guy we were having our last jazz performance ever and actually asked him to come. Mind you, Bobsy and I had always asked him to come, especially for our musical. He never got to come, and I feel so guilty I just only recently saw him play his favorite sport.
He wasn't there (for good reasons that I don't remember) and I was crushed. I had to stop myself: why was I so crushed? Why was I hoping to see him more outside of class?
Concert: over. Cue after party.
Best friend 1: So, did he ask for your number? ACTUALLY, why were you two so close all night?!
Best friend 2: WAIT WHAT
Me: No, sigh I really wish I had.
Best 1: Mutual friends? WAIT TEXT ******! They must have each others numbers, they went to the same high school!
Me: -frantic texting-
Gay Bestie: What are you asking?
Me: I'm going to pretend it's for a study group.
Best 1: But that means you need a study group then.
Me: -whipping up a study group- Oh crap, she just gave me his number.
SEVERAL MOMENTS LATER
Best 1: Your ex is glaring at you! WHAT IS THIS GUY SAYING YOU ARE RE- why are you taking out coins
Me: um... study group turned into HE JUST SAID WE'RE FLIPPING COINS TO FIND OUT IF WE'RE GOING OUT ON A DATE
-whole table goes quiet, all the guys are looking shocked because my ex had to have overheard that-
Best 1: FLIP THE DAMN COIN WOMAN!
And so, coins were flipped.
And I was going out on a date in 25 days.
Who knew a year later I'd be in love with the most amazing guy I've ever met? Who knew a year later I would be getting off the phone with that same silly guy and realizing that he helped me get to where I am now?
Not I, said the Lanie.
Anyway I just realized what weekend this was. Kay, flashback to a year ago. Here's this girl. Broken, sad, mad, self destructive (to a point, but still), and not being the young woman she really was. I don't remember, but I'm pretty sure I was borderline hating life at this point, so it was pretty bad.
Inform her that a childhood science role model is doing a lecture at her college.
Things freakin' change.
I invited everyone in my science courses (which was pretty much the same 15 people). I mean, who doesn't want to see the coolest Canadian science reporter (WHO, MAY I ADD, PAYS VIOLIN!) speak about something cool like prions? I don't think I slept the night before the lecture.
It was weird. I didn't expect to get asked when we were going to meet up, whether we were going to dress up, ect ect. I suppose we were really close friends at this point, but it was -who- asked that shocked me even more.
I had been, for the past month and a half, loathing the male population. Okay, not loathing, but wishing they would remember I didn't really want anything to do with them (regardless of how my actions may have said). So when I started getting odd butterflies in my stomach, I knew -something- was wrong (or rather, right?).
Lecture was AMAZING. I could make a whole post on how eye opening and helpful it had been, but that may be for another day, my (lack of) readers. The after snack Q & A, however, was when it all started rolling.
We were bickering about something science again. You know those cartoon characters that always argue but end up liking each other? That's how everyone explained it. For once I was wearing heels, and I was tall enough to be at a more... arguable level. I must of have made some silly face, because he laughed and mumbled something about arguing a lot and how that leads to people dating.
Alright....
It was a weird night. The engineers were setting up their April Fool's prank, the wind ensemble was practicing, and this meant my science friends and my music friends were going to mix. We all wanted to see the prank take place.
We pulled away from everyone and just chatted about how we should keep in touch after moving on to our respective universities and how exciting everything would be. He kept pushing his university on me, and I couldn't help but wonder why. I thought he had seen me as some goofy girl who had big dreams but wasn't on her way to reaching them. I really thought he hated me. He had been so crude with me for weeks until... -that- happened, and he had begun progressively become a sweeter guy.
(Back up further to first year chemistry lab:
Me: What, you wanna come at me bro with your tallness and gingerness?
Him: Do you EVER shut up?!
Me: ... -still has a crush on him-
Forward to second year.)
We finally get to everyone. The engineer students are hoisting a piano with balloons attached to it into the air. My friends from music and science are mingling. My ex is glaring me down as I walk into the bar with this other guy. The same is being done by the guy who had been constantly creepily hitting on me. Girl type friends are giving me strange wondering looks. Gay friend is ecstatic and I don't know why.
Instant panic mixed with endorphins. Why does it feel so normal and comfortable standing beside him? I mean, we stood and sat beside each other in class and it never felt this good. Why did I feel like myself again?
I panicked and, perhaps for the second time that year, ditched him. I saw a friend I had been super close to, gave her a tackle hug, and laughed my face off. My best friends thought I was nuts. My "Bobsy" twin was cackling; she and my best friends were the only people who saw me like that: truly happy.
Him: Is she -always like this? This happy?
Bobsy twin: Well, yes. Only around us though.
He walked me out to my vehicle. And I didn't get his number.
And I beamed the whole night because I was truly happy, and my ex looked like he wanted to choke me. I'm sorry, bro.
Gay friend decided he wanted to do my tarot reading. Turns out something good was going to happen the next night. I shrugged it off.
Cue April 1st.
Music concert. I told this certain guy we were having our last jazz performance ever and actually asked him to come. Mind you, Bobsy and I had always asked him to come, especially for our musical. He never got to come, and I feel so guilty I just only recently saw him play his favorite sport.
He wasn't there (for good reasons that I don't remember) and I was crushed. I had to stop myself: why was I so crushed? Why was I hoping to see him more outside of class?
Concert: over. Cue after party.
Best friend 1: So, did he ask for your number? ACTUALLY, why were you two so close all night?!
Best friend 2: WAIT WHAT
Me: No, sigh I really wish I had.
Best 1: Mutual friends? WAIT TEXT ******! They must have each others numbers, they went to the same high school!
Me: -frantic texting-
Gay Bestie: What are you asking?
Me: I'm going to pretend it's for a study group.
Best 1: But that means you need a study group then.
Me: -whipping up a study group- Oh crap, she just gave me his number.
SEVERAL MOMENTS LATER
Best 1: Your ex is glaring at you! WHAT IS THIS GUY SAYING YOU ARE RE- why are you taking out coins
Me: um... study group turned into HE JUST SAID WE'RE FLIPPING COINS TO FIND OUT IF WE'RE GOING OUT ON A DATE
-whole table goes quiet, all the guys are looking shocked because my ex had to have overheard that-
Best 1: FLIP THE DAMN COIN WOMAN!
And so, coins were flipped.
And I was going out on a date in 25 days.
Who knew a year later I'd be in love with the most amazing guy I've ever met? Who knew a year later I would be getting off the phone with that same silly guy and realizing that he helped me get to where I am now?
Not I, said the Lanie.
January 29, 2012
I'm a Soul... Man? Sister?
I'm boring. I haven't done much except studied, looked for clothes/stationery/groceries, and donating my blood for research.
OH OH OH I've had a few bad allergic reactions recently....?
Yeah.
I'm going to go back to listening to jazz/blues, write letters, and finish my lab.
Ciao.
OH OH OH I've had a few bad allergic reactions recently....?
Yeah.
I'm going to go back to listening to jazz/blues, write letters, and finish my lab.
Ciao.
January 3, 2012
You're the Link to my Zelda, and the distance is our Ganondorf.
I am so sorry, blog. I apparently don't post during finals, which is okay. I still feel like I've neglected something I should be trying to keep up with.
Finals were alright. I studied my face off, which is never a bad thing. I got the best Christmas present though: my best friend from Burnaby came to Edmonton, and joined with our other best friend, spent her long layover enjoying each other's company. Good friends and food are never a bad combination!
Then in the wee hours of the morning, my boyfriend flew in. I don't think anyone can understand what feelings of joy I had that night. Honestly, when you haven't seen someone that knows you so well, treats you like their best friend, and comes to see you before he sees his own family is... wow.
I finally finished off my finals, admist boyfriend playing video games and cooking my meals (good grief what a sweetheart), and my roommate, boyfriend, and I went back home.
Got to boyfriend's house, had supper, Skyrim'd/Persona 4'd/movie'd, and I ended up going home THE NEXT DAY. Oh, my parents had a gas. Repeat this over and over again until Friday night, where we went and saw a movie then I had to be home before 11 to make trifle. Mmm, trifle.
My Mom has to laugh at me. I go shopping with my boyfriend. We sit in his basement dual screening video games. Funniest of all to her is that I chauffered him all around town. I like that, considering I have a bad habit of dozing off in vehicles if I'm not driving.
Christmas Eve was spent at church. My Mom created a HUGE potluck for 100+ people. We don't really do anything special anymore, so my parents and I sat in the living room and watched me play Skyward Sword.
Christmas was spent at a family friend's (who is basically like a sister to me). It was so peaceful, and hardly stressful.
Boxing Day. Oh Boxing Day. Got up super early to take advantage of some very good deals (black bandage dress and black Kate Middleton-esque trench, YES). Then home, where we prepared a huge meal and had my boyfriend's family, family friend's family, and my family all in our small home. It was AMAZING.
Boyfriend got me ANOTHER gift. Apparently when they get you jewelery, it's srs bsns. I love it regardless; it is a heart earring and necklace set that suits me perfectly. And then on top of that, he says that four letter word every girl hopes to hear. In front of parents.
See, I don't know how to put in words how much I already miss him. My Dad laughed-sighed when he walked out the door and I started crying. He sees it as I'm a princess who wants her knight to come back and whisk her away. I am 100% okay with that analogy.
I know, I'm blabbing, but my heart is heavy and I just want April to come now. It's funny; the next time I will see him is April. His birthday, our one year.
Oh heart, be still.
I finally finished off my finals, admist boyfriend playing video games and cooking my meals (good grief what a sweetheart), and my roommate, boyfriend, and I went back home.
Got to boyfriend's house, had supper, Skyrim'd/Persona 4'd/movie'd, and I ended up going home THE NEXT DAY. Oh, my parents had a gas. Repeat this over and over again until Friday night, where we went and saw a movie then I had to be home before 11 to make trifle. Mmm, trifle.
My Mom has to laugh at me. I go shopping with my boyfriend. We sit in his basement dual screening video games. Funniest of all to her is that I chauffered him all around town. I like that, considering I have a bad habit of dozing off in vehicles if I'm not driving.
Christmas Eve was spent at church. My Mom created a HUGE potluck for 100+ people. We don't really do anything special anymore, so my parents and I sat in the living room and watched me play Skyward Sword.
Christmas was spent at a family friend's (who is basically like a sister to me). It was so peaceful, and hardly stressful.
Boxing Day. Oh Boxing Day. Got up super early to take advantage of some very good deals (black bandage dress and black Kate Middleton-esque trench, YES). Then home, where we prepared a huge meal and had my boyfriend's family, family friend's family, and my family all in our small home. It was AMAZING.
Boyfriend got me ANOTHER gift. Apparently when they get you jewelery, it's srs bsns. I love it regardless; it is a heart earring and necklace set that suits me perfectly. And then on top of that, he says that four letter word every girl hopes to hear. In front of parents.
See, I don't know how to put in words how much I already miss him. My Dad laughed-sighed when he walked out the door and I started crying. He sees it as I'm a princess who wants her knight to come back and whisk her away. I am 100% okay with that analogy.
I know, I'm blabbing, but my heart is heavy and I just want April to come now. It's funny; the next time I will see him is April. His birthday, our one year.
Oh heart, be still.
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